I’m Just “Tired”

I’ve been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I just watched Roxxxy Andrews breakdown during her first time in the bottom two.
And it shook me.

“…and I’m just so tired”

God, I’ve said that so many times…

“Hey girl, are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”
“Oh… Sorry lady… I’m just so tired today.”

When I say it, I just want people to brush off whatever behavior they are concerned about, to think I just didn’t get enough sleep. That I’m just… “tired”.

But its so much more…

Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.

And my soul is worn.

From pretending that my mind is not a swirl full of demons. Gnawing and scraping at all that is beautiful, all that is good. Leaving warped thoughts in their wake.

Trying to fight against those warped thoughts… “You are good enough!” But how…? How do you fight for your own mind when it only sees the darkness?

From forcing myself to get up every day, to go to work, to tackle the things a much more hopeful, past me planned.

Just trying to be strong, to stand tall, all the while crumbling under my own foolish ideology of independence.

From taking on the pain, the trials, the tribulations of others, because no matter how thread bare my own soul is, I cannot stand by and let someone suffer alone.

But instead of saying all that, instead of bearing my broken weary soul, for all to see.

I just say…

“I’m just tired.”

You would think, talking about it here is a step.
And, maybe it is.

But it doesn’t feel like it.
It just feels like reaching out, and trying to catch smoke, with the hope it will warm my hands.

Because when someone comes to me in person, to say “Are you okay?”
Maybe after reading this, or just because.

My unhealthy defence mechanism kicks in.

And I say.

“I’m just tired.”

But, when someone who struggles with mental health, says they’re “tired”.

Its just a quiet plea.
“Call me out, for I am not okay.”

Candice

http://www.picturequotes.com/physically-mentally-emotionally-tired-quote-18630

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Candle Magic

Candle Magic is simple and easy for any beginner witch to use for mediation, spells, or rituals!

So, I thought I would share what I have learned about candle colors and their meanings.

White

• Peace
• Purity
• Virginity
• Divination
• Healing
• Can be used to substitute any color during a ritual or spell

Black

• Binding
• Protection
• Repels Negativity
• Deep Meditation

Brown

• Grounding
• Earth Rites
• Animals
• Friendships

Silver

• Dreams
• Clairvoyance
• Intuition
• Lunar Energy
• Femininity
• The Goddess

Purple

• Psychic Ability
• Spiritual Power
• Wisdom
• Higher Forces
• Divination

Blue

• Element of Water
• Protection
• Truth
• Calming
• Communication

Green

• Element of Earth
• Physical Healing
• Luck
• Monetary Success
• Tree and Plant Magic
• Growth

Pink

• Affection
• Romance
• Caring
• Nurturing
• Friendship

Red

• Element of Fire
• Passion
• Strength
• Lust
• Courage
• Survival
• Action

Orange

• Joy
• Energy
• Good Fortune
• Feasting
• Justice
• Career Goals

Gold

• Promote Winning
• The God
• Happiness
• The Power of Male

Yellow

• The Element of Air
• Intelligence
• The Sun
• Memory
• Learning

Call of the Circle

Of course I felt the call to Cast a Circle last night… Seems simple right?

I mean usually it is, I just walk over to my handy dandy (but a little wimpy) altar, collect what I need, center myself, call the elements and cast my circle.

(tires screeching!)

Oh wait…

Yeah, so I was kinda staying at my parents house for a visit, sans altar.

But this call was strong. Something wanted me to sit down and listen. I just needed to make the space so it could speak.

Luckily, my Dad is a mild hoarder. His barn is filled with all sorts of odds and ends! So I got a flashlight and went hunting!

When I’m calling a circle, I need the elements at my side. Air to bring clarity and amplify my intuition. Fire to give me strength and courage. Earth to ground me and bring me wisdom. Water to promote reflection and self-healing.

So I had a mission, I needed representations of the elements.

Usually to represent air, I use incense.

But with none to be had, I thought about using leaves.
(I guess if they blow in the wind they count?? but seriously is there some kind of criteria? Its kind of vague. Do they have to fly a certain distance? Do you have to witness the flying in the breeze?)
You can see that didn’t work for me.
BUT!
My Dad keeps chickens!
FEATHERS!!!!

A perfect representation of the element of air.
So, I searched all over that barn for a lost feather, and in a back corner I found a beautiful grey and black feather. SUCCESS!

Now fire, I had already sorted out, but not easily.

Do you think I could find a dang candle in that farm house! Mwahaha.I was so naive.
Decorative candles as far as the eye can see!

None for actual use… I searched and searched.
I was about to settle for a white birthday candle. But in some little random closet under some VERY NOISY dishes, was a candle that was not decorative! SUCCESS!

Earth. My element. It calls me with such intensity.

I felt I needed a representation worthy of that call.
The answer was so simple, it became somewhat elegant in its simplicity. The farm. The homestead. The very ground I was walking on.
My family has been there for 160 years.
One hundred and sixty years of history worn in to the very ground.

I found a mason jar that my Grandmother had used.
I walked through the dark, to a tree, planted long ago, and dug into the ground.
Rich earth, the homestead, my home.
A worthy representation.

Water was quite easy. I used another of my Grandmothers mason jars.

Ran some water from the tap, the farm runs on well water so it felt… I don’t know. Clearer.

I was set!

And frozen…!

I scurried back inside, warmed up my fingers, and cast my circle!

And I listened, learned, and I grew.

Cheers!
Candice 🙂

Tarot Journal

Date: November 6, 2018

 

Deck Used:  The Goddess Tarot (graciously loaned to me by Cristina Matteis! Thank You!)

 

Spread: Past/ Present/ Future

 

General Reading or the Question Asked: I am honestly not sure what specific question I was asking, but I was reflecting on my career and my path forward.

 

Card 1: Past  Card 2: Present  Card 3: Possible Future Card 4: The Over All Message

 

Card 1: XII – Sacrifice – Kuan Yin

Meaning: A surrender to higher principles, higher goals, self abnegation. Taking care of others. Sacrifice in order to gain wisdom and empathy.

My Interpretation: It feels like the perfect description of my beginning as a Vet Tech. I gave up the easy path, so I could pursue knowledge and care for those creatures that are experiencing their darkest hour at the expense of my inner self.

 

Card 2: Ten of Staves

Meaning: The accumulation of the creative venture began with the one of staves. Success that becomes overwhelming with its responsibility.

My Interpretation: I feel like I have hit a glass ceiling as it where. My skill level and knowledge base is vast, but I feel like I can go further. I’m just not sure how.

 

Card 3: Four of Swords

Meaning: The need for introspection and healing. Recuperation from illness. Time to take a break from stressful situations.

My Interpretations: If I don’t make some kind of change. I will never heal. I will need to take time away and maybe never return to the career I love but is currently draining everything I have.

 

Card 4: Seven of Staves

Meaning: Though you may have the upper hand in this situation there is still struggle. Success is possible but only after dealing with difficult people who may not be supportive.

My Interpretation: There is a path forward. It will not be easy, but I must defend my path against those who wish to keep my down if I wish to fly.

 

In the Spotlight

Asking Alexandria has been blowing my mind with their acoustic music!

Enjoy the playlist!

[yotuwp type=”videos” id=”uiqfD9O8hBY,x8uljvyUDuw,wRFLvrBHI0E,Voo86mlxZvA,zfTz83yQ8hU,WNTjrsLOuHo,mncsPDcb17w” ]

Cheers!

Candice

10 Motivational Inspirational Quotes

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your soul.” – Brigitte Nicole

Brigitte Nicole

 

“The world needs more storytellers, dreamers, change makers, & action takers.”

Dreamers

 

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

Life Begins

 

“Keep going, because you did not come this far, to get this far.”

Keep Going

 

“Don’t let anyone tell you that your independence is the reason for you being single. Your strength as a woman isn’t the cause for your loneliness. You’re alone because you’d rather not entertain a weak man.” – r.h. sin

Independance

 

“It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the while damn fire.”

Fire

 

“Nothing will ruin your twenties more than thinking you should have your life together already.”

Twenties

 

“You are not too old and its is not too late.”

Not too Late

 

“I’m on the hunt for who I’ve not yet become.”

On the Hunt

 

“And suddenly you just know it’s time to start something new and trust in the magic of beginnings.”

New Beginnings

Divine Divination


I wonder if its my anxiety that draws me to the practice of Divination. The possibility of answers in all of this unknown. The unknown that my anxiety likes to take and run for miles with.

The simplest form of divination is using a Pendulum. The essence of it is to connect with one’s own intuition and subconscious to find answers.

So how does one choose a pendulum?

My gut made the choice for me. I guess a more eloquent way to describe it would be, my intuition guided me.

As I was out searching the stores for incense and candles. I was drawn to an Onyx faucet pendulum. As soon as I saw it amongst the others. I knew, it was coming home with me. It wasn’t in my budget, but I did not care. I had to have it!

As I reflected upon this choice. I decided to research the stone I was drawn too.

Onyx is a very strong protective stone, it calms the mind and energies. Which helps to relieve worry anxiety. (POINT ONE FOR INTUITION!) The zodiac associated with it, is Capricorn (I’m a Capricorn!), its element is earth, (the element I seem to connect most with), and lastly the chakra associated with it is the root chakra. (still learning about that stuff… one step at a time)

So, after all that, I came to the conclusion. My intuition deserves a high five!

I hope with my intuition being on point, this means divination will come easier to me.

I am still getting to know my pendulum and myself, asking simple questions so I can get to know how it responds. Small “Yes” when I asked if I was 24 years old. A big “No” before I even spoke the words “Do I have a pet snake?”… I am terrified of snakes… In case you were wondering…

Divination

I hope to soon try to illuminate my path ahead. But all good things take time.

Here are a few quotes I wish to leave you with; as we all search for answers, in prayer, meditation, the advice of a friend, or even with a pendulum.

“There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.” – Zora Neale Hurston

“In your hesitation, I found my answer.” – Unknown

“You will always find

the answer in your heart

where it has been waiting

since long before the question.”

– Atticus

Cheers!

Candice😊

Samhain: An Altar & the Ancestors


Today I set up my Samhain Altar.

Samhain Altar

To honor the God and Goddess, and to honor and connect with my ancestors.

(as I’m writing this I am also watching and crying over Call the Midwife so bear with me)

 

I chose to first honor Al Greenway. I have to say I did not really know him. He was my Grandfather, well I guess Step Grandfather I guess is more accurate. But Al had always been there.

He loved to sit in his recliner during our family events. I don’t remember him speaking much, but I was young and wasn’t really listening.

He loved animals. My Grandmother and him started Greenview Aviaries, over the years it grew into a beautiful park and zoo. Though I know in my soul my own love of animals came from both sides of my family. My reflections for this coming Samhain, have guided me to the firm belief that while I was running around that park. Hearing the majesty of the Timber Wolves howl, seeing a Siberian Tiger stretch its beautiful paw, and watching the ducks lazily paddle along the pond. My love for animals grew exponentially.

Its for this, I honor him.

 

I also chose to honor Doris Miller. My Grandmother on my father’s side. She was an unbelievably strong and loving woman, she raised 7 children on her own after her husband was killed in a farming accident. She passed when I was young, but I remember her home, the wood stove and her baking giving the space this golden warmth.

It was full of little trinkets, handmade blankets, the rooms that had seen so much life and love. Each nook and cranny of her home had something stored away within. Her house always felt like a discovery waiting to happen as we explored and played, as we lived and laughed and loved.

Though I never got the chance to really know her. I admire the strength, courage, and determination she must have had.

It is for this, I honor her.

 

As it grows closer to midnight, I find my heart is filled with peace.

I found this on Pinterest, and I found it fitting to ring in October 31st.

 

“As the darkness now draws near.

See the cycle of the year.

As the light now goes within.

Let the Hallows Dance begin.”

 

Cheers!

Candice 🙂

Journey


I have recently embarked on a journey to become a Wiccan.

Maybe you’re thinking this is an act of rebellion or a cry for help. But it’s the exact opposite, I am embarking on a journey of self discovery, self love, and empowerment. Its this journey that I wish to share with you.

There are so many aspects to discern and discover, am I a Kitchen witch? An Elemental witch? Do I prefer to practice in solitude, or in a coven?

So, far this has prompted more questions than answers. But I continue to search, within myself and out in the world. I know my path will become clear as time goes on.

But now I am taking the time to contemplate the upcoming Samhain, or as the rest of the world knows it, Halloween.

A time, associated with death, rebirth, transformation, and the passage from light to darkness. It’s a time to review life, celebrate achievements, honor your ancestors, and let go of your losses.

Honoring my ancestors will be an interesting endeavor. The ancestors I wish to honor the most, were Christian, and I feel honoring them in my Wiccan ways may offend them. I hope to explore how to navigate that interesting aspect in the years to come.

But letting go. That I think I am ready for… What I am letting go of I am not sure. But I feel it in my soul. I will be letting go of something and then I will fly.

 

Cheers!

Candice 😊

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.” – Brigitte Nicole

 

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