I really feel like music helps me to process thoughts and emotions that seem too overwhelming on their own.
And lately there is a lot rolling around in this brain of mine…
I was looking around on Youtube. For something that would just click, that would help, and would calm the chaos.
Sometimes it feels like I’m looking for the next high.
To find a song that sends shivers down my spine, brings tears to my eyes, and makes me feel.
F**k that’s hard to find.
I can spend what feels like hours searching for that click. That feeling.
Many times I come up empty handed.
But today I found something amazing…
I feels like hope and sorrow. Beauty and pain. Love and loss.
There are moments where I think I hear someones breath, and I find myself catching my own breath in turn.
It gave me a space to embrace change, the joy and the sorrow that comes with.
I am lost in the haunting notes.
Saying good bye to the past, respecting the unknown of the future.
Of course I felt the call to Cast a Circle last night… Seems simple right?
I mean usually it is, I just walk over to my handy dandy (but a little wimpy) altar, collect what I need, center myself, call the elements and cast my circle.
Yeah, so I was kinda staying at my parents house for a visit, sans altar.
But this call was strong. Something wanted me to sit down and listen. I just needed to make the space so it could speak.
Luckily, my Dad is a mild hoarder. His barn is filled with all sorts of odds and ends! So I got a flashlight and went hunting!
When I’m calling a circle, I need the elements at my side. Air to bring clarity and amplify my intuition. Fire to give me strength and courage. Earth to ground me and bring me wisdom. Water to promote reflection and self-healing.
So I had a mission, I needed representations of the elements.
Usually to represent air, I use incense.
But with none to be had, I thought about using leaves.
(I guess if they blow in the wind they count?? but seriously is there some kind of criteria? Its kind of vague. Do they have to fly a certain distance? Do you have to witness the flying in the breeze?)
You can see that didn’t work for me.
My Dad keeps chickens!
A perfect representation of the element of air.
So, I searched all over that barn for a lost feather, and in a back corner I found a beautiful grey and black feather. SUCCESS!
Now fire, I had already sorted out, but not easily.
Do you think I could find a dang candle in that farm house! Mwahaha.I was so naive.
Decorative candles as far as the eye can see!
None for actual use… I searched and searched.
I was about to settle for a white birthday candle. But in some little random closet under some VERY NOISY dishes, was a candle that was not decorative! SUCCESS!
Earth. My element. It calls me with such intensity.
I felt I needed a representation worthy of that call.
The answer was so simple, it became somewhat elegant in its simplicity. The farm. The homestead. The very ground I was walking on.
My family has been there for 160 years.
One hundred and sixty years of history worn in to the very ground.
I found a mason jar that my Grandmother had used.
I walked through the dark, to a tree, planted long ago, and dug into the ground.
Rich earth, the homestead, my home.
A worthy representation.
Water was quite easy. I used another of my Grandmothers mason jars.
Ran some water from the tap, the farm runs on well water so it felt… I don’t know. Clearer.
I was set!
I scurried back inside, warmed up my fingers, and cast my circle!
Deck Used: The Goddess Tarot (graciously loaned to me by Cristina Matteis! Thank You!)
Spread: Past/ Present/ Future
General Reading or the Question Asked: I am honestly not sure what specific question I was asking, but I was reflecting on my career and my path forward.
Card 1: Past Card 2: Present Card 3: Possible Future Card 4: The Over All Message
Card 1: XII – Sacrifice – Kuan Yin
Meaning: A surrender to higher principles, higher goals, self abnegation. Taking care of others. Sacrifice in order to gain wisdom and empathy.
My Interpretation: It feels like the perfect description of my beginning as a Vet Tech. I gave up the easy path, so I could pursue knowledge and care for those creatures that are experiencing their darkest hour at the expense of my inner self.
Card 2: Ten of Staves
Meaning: The accumulation of the creative venture began with the one of staves. Success that becomes overwhelming with its responsibility.
My Interpretation: I feel like I have hit a glass ceiling as it where. My skill level and knowledge base is vast, but I feel like I can go further. I’m just not sure how.
Card 3: Four of Swords
Meaning: The need for introspection and healing. Recuperation from illness. Time to take a break from stressful situations.
My Interpretations: If I don’t make some kind of change. I will never heal. I will need to take time away and maybe never return to the career I love but is currently draining everything I have.
Card 4: Seven of Staves
Meaning: Though you may have the upper hand in this situation there is still struggle. Success is possible but only after dealing with difficult people who may not be supportive.
My Interpretation: There is a path forward. It will not be easy, but I must defend my path against those who wish to keep my down if I wish to fly.
“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your soul.” – Brigitte Nicole
“The world needs more storytellers, dreamers, change makers, & action takers.”
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
“Keep going, because you did not come this far, to get this far.”
“Don’t let anyone tell you that your independence is the reason for you being single. Your strength as a woman isn’t the cause for your loneliness. You’re alone because you’d rather not entertain a weak man.” – r.h. sin
“It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the while damn fire.”
“Nothing will ruin your twenties more than thinking you should have your life together already.”
“You are not too old and its is not too late.”
“I’m on the hunt for who I’ve not yet become.”
“And suddenly you just know it’s time to start something new and trust in the magic of beginnings.”
Just some friendly advice… It is not easy getting a “family photo” of 3 cats, 1 dog, and a human.
I recommend long sleeves… And sedation… For the human or the pets, dealer’s choice…
But here it is!
Quite a circus eh? Honestly, I’m quite surprised that I made it out with little blood loss. But I was absolutely worth it! And now I am very happy for you to meet my boys!
My oldest cat is Mop.
His full name is Dustmop. He’s my grumpy old man. He’s my cuddle bug, my sleeping buddy, and my first pet after I moved out of my parents. When ever anyone meets Mop, the first thing they notice, is he has RBF (resting b***h face). He’s part Persian so he has a smooshy nose that just makes him look pissed all the time.
Next thing will probably be the fact that he is now on your lap stealing your warmth. But don’t touch him. He doesn’t want that. Just your warmth.
“Umm, is he missing an ear?”
Yup! He had chronic ear issues before I got him from the rescue. His pinna was pretty damaged (the part that sticks up), and it was quite uncomfortable for him and very difficult to put in ear medication, so I had it removed.
Next is Killian… the middle child.
He is my handsome boy, and he knows it. He is also a bit of a diva.
I got him after he was dumped on my parents’ farm. He was so affectionate and chatty my Dad could not get any work done in his shop, so he sent me a picture. Big bright yellow eyes, perfect white whiskers on this black face with a white chin patch, and the most perfect ears I have ever seen. He captured my heart. I drove down that day to get him.
I had wanted a friend for Mop while I was at work, it seemed like it was meant to be! I soon realized Mop wanted nothing to do with him and Killian could not care less… He was too busy eating, he had settled right in.
He is the quintessential s**t disturber cat. Chewing plastic, knocking things off my bookshelves as he tried to get to the bag of cat food or the hamster.
Touching his belly means death. Or just him screaming at you. He does not want any affection until I have something on my lap, then it MUST move. Or when I’m trying to sleep. He knows where hands are under the pillow and will nudge them with his nose in an attempt to promote pets, and he knows how to paw at my face to test if I’m awake… Or wake me up… Also, he drools when he is happy.
Last of the cats is Link, my baby boy. Winky, the Winklest Wink, Kitten.
So many nicknames, so little time… he came to me as a baby, he had major eye issues and was possibly blind.
Rough lookin’ eh?
Killian needed a friend (see a pattern here?) and I didn’t mind having a blind cat. Luckily, we managed to save his eyes and his sight! He just has a medical condition that makes his eyes look cloudy.
So, he came home with me! He was hand raised, so he was already a bit odd. But he loved Killian, they became thick as thieves. He is a nervous boy though, he’s never really liked cuddles and he hides whenever guests are over.
The two loves in his life other than Killian, are the laser pointer and the bathroom sink. He LOVES the laser pointer. He can hear the click from all the way across the apartment. And for a decent amount of time after playing with the laser pointer, if I pick up anything laser pointer shaped he perks up.
No Link, not red dot, I just a remote.
*sad cat face*
Then there is the bathroom sink… ahh the sink… basically what he wants is for the sink to be running a very thin slow stream of water that he can play with a drink at his leisure. He loves to stick his paw under the water, watch it run off. Pull it out, look at his wet paw. And do it again.
If the sink is running to fast he will try to bury the water, he digs and digs and digs. Dang it! Where is all this water coming from!? And eventually leave miffed.
Then, there’s Fawkes, my doggo.
He is the most recent addition. I got him as a rescue, he was very sick as a puppy and his first owners could not afford his care. He was surrendered, got better, then I got him!
Now what breed is he…? Your guess is as good as mine. Pomeranian/Papillon? Maltese/Papillon? Pomeranian/Maltese? Who knows! I tend to just describe him as a mix and call it a day…
He was a cute puppy. So, freaking cute! He learned fetch the first day I had him and now its his most favorite game! That and tearing apart toys… Seriously this dog can get the toughest toy I can buy him, some how this little monster finds the ONE SEAM IT HAS!! Aaaannd its in pieces. Luckily, he does not eat the pieces! Just leaves a mess for me to clean up…
Fawkes has brought a lot of joy and energy to my life and despite it all I would not trade him for anything!
Last is Harry, Harry the Hobo, Harry Houdini, Harry Potter, Harry the Hamster.
He was brought into my work in a shoe box by some good citizens. Their question was innocent and warranted “Are there wild hamsters in the city?”
They had found him, the tiniest hamster running around a railroad track. The people managed to catch him and bring him in. (I work at an animal hospital) He was sassy! He had to be! He was a wild boy! He lived on the wrong side of the tracks! But ultimately his side of the story was kyboshed as there are no wild hamsters where I live.
We figured he had been bought by a family, his box some how got dropped before they got to the house and he was gone!
No one claimed him. So, I took him home! This little f***er has lived up to his name Harry Houdini! He has broken out of his cage so many times! Once he was missing for 4 days. I searched everywhere! Eventually after a long night of searching I went to bed… my cats started acting weird… rustle, rustle, rustle… closer… Ruslte… RUSTLE… HE WAS HIDING IN THE BOX SPRING!! I turn on my phone light. Glance over the edge of my bed to see Harry, paws in the air, frozen. 4 sets of eyes on him. Mop, Killian, Link and me. He was apprehended without incident.
So that’s my crazy family! It a busy apartment but I could not imagine my life with out them. To quote Stitch from the wonderful Disney movie Lilo and Stitch “This is my family, I found it all on my own. It’s little and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.”
A little over a month ago I was really struggling… My mental health was in tatters and my physical health was not much better. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, I was making mistakes at work, and pulling away from my family and my friends. I don’t really remember what it was triggered by, I just remember I was drowning.
I was scrolling through Pinterest, looking for nothing in particular. When I saw this pin, it was a pastel colored background with the phrase “Just Breathe”.
And I did.
In and out. In and out. Breathe in for 4 counts. Breathe out for 5 counts. In and out.
I have never really been one for affirmations… Maybe I’m too jaded and broken. But that image. The frankness of its command? Demand? It spoke to me.
So, I went looking for more.
I found some that acknowledged my struggle, applauded my strength, and just eased my weary heart.
I wanted to carry them with me, not just in my mind, but somewhere I could see. I needed to see them. So, I grabbed a permanent marker and wrote them out, on my arms, and on my thighs.
I felt like I was donning armor, I felt stronger.
“You’re not a mess you’re brave for trying” “Sometimes its okay if the only thing you did today was breathe” “Just breathe” “I will win. Not immediately, but definitely.” “Real is Rare” “She persisted”
Since that day I have not needed my marker tattoos. But I still seek out quotes that speak to me and collect them, like pebbles.
They give voice to the words I cannot speak, ease my heart with no expectation of return, and strengthen me in such a simple way.
I want to share with you some quotes I have collected. Maybe they will help someone struggling, maybe they will just be.
Real is Rare.
Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can.
Until I’m ready, let me be. I have to heal myself.
You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery. – thislifethismoment.com
Your healing is about you. It doesn’t need a stamp of approval. Don’t worry about how long it takes or how ugly it may seem. Its about you.
What a beautiful thing it is, to be able to stand tall and say, “I fell apart, and I survived.”
No matter how chaotic it is, wildflowers will still spring up in the middle of nowhere. -Sheryl Crow
And here you are living despite it all. – Rumi Kaur
I forget how to love myself most days, but I keep trying, I keep trying. And that alone is a victory. – Alison Malee
…and sometimes, life is just hard, and some days are just rough… and sometimes you just gotta dry before you can move forward… (and all of that is okay) – www.bravegirlsclub.com
I also have some links to other blogs that have collected quotes to help when you are struggling here and here.
I do hope this collection helps someone as it has helped me. Please share feel free to share this post and follow me on Pinterest.