Surveys for Cash!

So I’ve decided to try out the site Swagbucks.

Basically you answer surveys to collect points, by redeeming your points you can get gift cards.

Sounds easy right?

Right! So far its not too bad. It takes time, but I’m just sitting here watching Netflix, so why not do something that will get me gift cards!? Christmas is coming and gifts need buying.

So I have decided to give it the good ol’ college try.

Here is a link to register with Swagbucks if you want to try it out too!

Cheers!

Candice 🙂

Diagnosed

I guess I thought when I got an official diagnosis I would feel more validated. Someone with lots of initials behind their name said, “You have this.” So, now people would have to believe me! But I don’t feel different. Maybe it’s the anxiety. But I still feel like people won’t believe me.

I’m already on a medication for generalized anxiety and depression. It has helped quite a bit, but the hair pulling didn’t stop. It almost felt worse.

I guess I should explain my hair pulling a bit… Mostly I pull out my eye lash and eye brow hairs and I also pull the hair on my chin. Sometimes I will pick at random hairs on my arm that I see that are “out of place” but not that often anymore.

I don’t really have eye brows any more. Years of pulling have turned them into sparse imitations of what they used to be. I don’t know if they will ever grow back fully. I think I have pulled out too many of the roots… So, I have learned how to use make up to fill in what is left and draw on what I have destroyed.

My eyelashes so far keep growing back…

Actually, they have just grown back in after my last major hair pulling spell. They always look so nice when they grown in… I mean not like red carpet nice but nice for me.

The worst is the hair on my chin. I am so angry at myself for starting to pull my chin hairs. For what every reason the hairs I started to pull were thin and blonde. Not usually my MO. But now. Now that I have pulled them out, they grow in dark. Now I CAN’T NOT notice them…! Every morning as I am getting ready for whatever the day brings. I’ll run my fingers over my chin to find the hairs I can’t necessarily see. I grab my tweezers and go to town. It sucks… I wish I didn’t, but I can’t have these dark hairs growing all over my chin and if I don’t pull them with the tweezers, I will pull them in the car while I drive. I don’t even realize it.

I’ll just be listening to music, navigating traffic, and all of the sudden my fingers are sore; my chin is raw, and I have pulled out all the hairs around the one I “NEEDED” TO PULL.

So, today I met with a Psychiatrist to talk about my anxiety and hair pulling, and to get a recommendation for medications.

The Psychiatrist was very nice, I was incredibly uncomfortable though. My anxiety was already high when I got there since I wrote the address down wrong and had gotten lost. Then when I found the right place, the parking lot was a pay to park but only took change. So, I had to scrape together the change. I don’t carry change often, I typically use it right away for coffee. So, I dug out everything from my purse and from my car and managed to get the $2.50.

I was frazzled, and now I had to sit in front of a person I had never met, in a small room, and dredge this all up.

Luckily as I said the Psychiatrist was very nice. The questions were simple and the manner at which they were asked was not judgemental or confrontational.

A part of me was kind of frustrated though.

I had an idea as to what I was struggling with. I had been living with it for all these years. Comparing stories with friends and colleagues, seeing and hearing the struggles of others online. But I couldn’t walk in and say, “I’m sure I have this, what meds will help?”

So, I went through the motions.

And now I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Trichotillomania.

So, my medication has been upped and another added to help me sleep and get me through really tough anxiety days.

But I still don’t feel any different having an official diagnosis. I still feel like people don’t or won’t believe me. I think because I already had made my peace with my suspected diagnosis, hearing it from someone else, especially someone I don’t know didn’t mean anything.

I really hope the meds help. Maybe as I take more time and talk with family and friends about this I will feel different.

Until then I just have to keep telling myself, its okay to not feel okay.

Cheers!

Candice 😊

PS: As I wrote this post out, I almost pulled out my hair 9 times…

Quotes That Changed Me

 

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”

 

“You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.” A Universal Paradox – Tweegram

 

“Do the best that you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better” – Maya Angelou

 

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” – Maya Angelou

 

“The expert in anything was once a beginner.”

Kid-less

If anything could turn me into a little fluff ball of rage (very similar to Killian when I try to trim his nails) its this. I’m 24, single woman, and I’m in the middle of building a very successful career as an RVT. And I don’t want kids.

“Kids” are a pretty universal topic of conversation and to be honest a very broad topic.

It can be great for family reunions talking to a random family member, you only ever see at said family reunions. For me, it’s a loaded topic and I just hate when the conversation swerves towards it.

You’re just sitting on the couch, contributing to the family gossip with expressions of shock, nods of concern, and laughter when warranted. You’re just putting in time, waiting for dinner.  The turkey looks amazing! Zoning out, zoning out, mmmmhhmm turkey…!

A random family member side eye’s you… Wait did they start talking about kids? Red Alert! Red Alert! You try to figure out an escape plan, “Oh gosh, we’ve run out of chips, I’ll go get some”, but there all in on it “Karen can get them”. Dammit Karen! You’re trapped. “So, when are you gonna settle down and have kids?”

“Oh, I don’t want kids.”

And the chorus begins…

“Oh, you’re just young! You’ll change your mind.”

“You’ll regret it one day!”

“What about your parents, they’ll want grandkids!”

“What if your future husband wants kids?”

Its not the explaining that I’ll now have to do. It’s the fact that what ever I say, they will not hear. As soon as I say, “I do not want kids.” They get that look of pity and have now pegged me as odd, as a crazy woman. Who doesn’t want kids?!

I usually opt for some polite brush off, try to change the subject or just walk away. But I’m going to tell you what I wish I could say.

“Oh, you’re just young, you’ll change your mind.”

UGH! I this one drives me nuts!

So you’re saying, I’m too young to know my own mind, but old enough for you to expect me to have kids? Riiight *Eye roll*. “you’ll change your mind” Okay, maybe, maaaybe, I’ll change my mind. Its not like I have felt this way since my early teens and have thought long and hard about this LIFE DECISION. Pft, clearly I am just being naive. Even if I do end up changing my mind some time in the future. That does not mean you get to dismiss my feelings now! I will not be dismissed.

“You’ll regret it one day!”

Well I’ll just deal with it then. The end.

“What about your parents, they’ll want grandkids!”

They already have grandkids.


My fur babies, Mop, Killian, Link, and Fawkes. Oh! And the tiny humans my sister had. I think they are fine. AND! I’m also pretty sure they would want me to have kids because I wanted them, not because its something I think they want from me.

“What if your future husband wants kids?”

Well if he’s my kind of husband material he will be good with kids but not want them. He will want fur babies as far as the eye can see. NEXT!

But it just the ravings of a crazy woman. But I’m not a crazy woman, on this I am perfectly clear. I have thought long and hard about it.

I don’t make this decision lightly. But that’s the thing. Its my decision. My life, my body, my choice.

Cheers!

Candice 😊

PS: Have you every tried fitting 3 cats, a small dog, a human and a laptop on a small recliner?? I never thought I would hear myself say “I need a selfie stick”…

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