I’ve been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, and I just watched Roxxxy Andrews breakdown during her first time in the bottom two.
And it shook me.
“…and I’m just so tired”
God, I’ve said that so many times…
“Hey girl, are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”
“Oh… Sorry lady… I’m just so tired today.”
When I say it, I just want people to brush off whatever behavior they are concerned about, to think I just didn’t get enough sleep. That I’m just… “tired”.
But its so much more…
Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.
And my soul is worn.
From pretending that my mind is not a swirl full of demons. Gnawing and scraping at all that is beautiful, all that is good. Leaving warped thoughts in their wake.
Trying to fight against those warped thoughts… “You are good enough!” But how…? How do you fight for your own mind when it only sees the darkness?
From forcing myself to get up every day, to go to work, to tackle the things a much more hopeful, past me planned.
Just trying to be strong, to stand tall, all the while crumbling under my own foolish ideology of independence.
From taking on the pain, the trials, the tribulations of others, because no matter how thread bare my own soul is, I cannot stand by and let someone suffer alone.
But instead of saying all that, instead of bearing my broken weary soul, for all to see.
I just say…
“I’m just tired.”
You would think, talking about it here is a step.
And, maybe it is.
But it doesn’t feel like it.
It just feels like reaching out, and trying to catch smoke, with the hope it will warm my hands.
Because when someone comes to me in person, to say “Are you okay?”
Maybe after reading this, or just because.
My unhealthy defence mechanism kicks in.
And I say.
“I’m just tired.”
But, when someone who struggles with mental health, says they’re “tired”.
Its just a quiet plea.
“Call me out, for I am not okay.”